I woke up at 2 am in the morning. Suddenly.
It has been long since last I got nightmare.
Not the type being chased by a murderer, a serial killer or a ghost, but rather running away from problem!
This, has been the nightmare.
I woke up with heavy heart and headache.
Has I been running away from my problem?
There was a whale in that river, weird as it is ain't it?
The mission is to return the whale into the sea, but hell no, he's big! How to?
Then there were 2-3 old man who forced me to return the whale.
Out of being scared, I tried once, but somehow the whale slipped off of my hand and there it was still swimming in that goddamn lake urggghhh
Guess what I did? I tried to run away.
I can't hold it anymore!
I can't move the whale.
And I'm afraid of that old guys.
I ran and hid under the table or something. Those old guys were after me with furious face.
Then something came up in my mind that time:
"For how long Lyana, you're gonna hiding under there. Wouldn't it be good if you move the whale and get yourself away from those old guys after you done your mission pridefully?"
I was dumbfounded by own thought!
Then like I was having second chance, I climbed out of anywhere I was hiding that time, and like time turning back to the point where I was about to run, and one of the old guys pulled my hand and I was dragged into the river back and there it was: That goddamn whale still swimming like nobody business...urghhhh!
And that in my thought, by hook or by crook I'm gonna move you to the sea even it sound impossible and get myself away from this scary old guys!
Then, I woke up.
My body ached.
Took me a lil bit sometime to fall asleep back.
Then, I had this thought to myself that,
Lyana, see how Allah wanna show you that you can't run away from your problem. Face it even it's hard. He knows you're gonna succeed, and walk away from it pridefully. I settled my problem! I survived! That kind of satisfaction feeling.
And......I don't know what that old guys are in my reality, perhaps emmm...ppl around me? Don't know.
Then, I tried to ponder a bit, what kind of my problem that I face and trying to run away,,,
Perhaps I have it perhaps I forgot already haha
And that evening, received a text from Salma
With a screenshot
Kim Jonghyun was found dead
Shocked with the news
What most heartbroken was:
He died of suicide out of depression
My hear ached.
Feel like wanna cry coz it squeezed my heart hard to heard someone died of suicide out of depression.
I was like, I wish I was there to stop him.
I wish he found someone that can stop him.
But God wished differently.
And suddenly I remembered my dream that night.
The uneasy feeling turned out to be this news.
I told Aimi about this news
She also as break as me
Due to the reason of his death
Even though we're not Shawols, the feeling also hard and stuck
We talked a lot on this previously
Since Chester death
It was sad
"Suicide didn't end the pain, rather it just transferring the pain to the person who lives after"
She told me that depression chose ppl
Don't let it swallow you
Don't let it conquer you
Talk out to someone
We do have ppl who loves us and ppl that always wish us always be happy and healthy.
"I just want someone to say that I did worked hard"
You've worked hard
What a pleasant and warm wish.
Filling in heart and lifting tiring day
So I learned that, appreciate ppl around you
Don't pressure or downgraded them
Say it's okay for everything they've done
If not good enough, say "You've done well" and some improvement advice
If they did good, say "Wow, you did great. Keep it up." with sincere smile.
This little things, if you put on practice on me, I'm gonna love you really hard coz I really need this in my life hahah!
Everyone need this.
Littlest act that filling someone else's heart.
And do remember, Allah won't burden you to the things that unbearable by you.
Allah loves us.
When He tested us, coz He misses us, He wanna gives you Pahala, wanna see you at night crying and telling Him how was your day went, out of love.
It does hurt. Won't lie to you.
But, after it passed, feeling like on the Cloud Nine!
Reach out to ppl, don't succumb into it.
Don't distant yourself coz it will swallow you.
Don't blame yourself coz you're gonna let it win.
I wish I could be there.
Rest, take a break for a while coz you need it.
Be sad coz it is nature.
Then, rise yourself back.
There won't be rainbow without rain unless you created it lol.
And remember, This too shall pass.
Love you awesome people.
Wish me all the best too :')
P/s: Also totally dumbfounded when heard the news on a student killed him/herself (don't remember the gender) after scolded by his/her father for not getting all A's
And to put more fire: he/she got 8A's and 1B!!!!!
It turned out, it is not as easy as this
It is a mental illness
They seek for medication and expert
It's an illness
It could be hidden
Hidden behind those beautiful smile and laughter
Seriously, I don't know how to reach to you
If you're depressed, go seek for help
Please do have second thought to not doing something that detrimental
This...This too shall pass
I really don't know how to help
Don't wanna make this worse
I could be a place for you to pour everything in
I wish I could be of any help
Coz you're precious
You do matter
You're not wrong
That's nobody's fault
Loose yourself a bit
Go see nature
Scream to the sea
To the mountain
Let your voice echo
I wish I could be of any help.
I wish I could be.