19th August 2019

Today marks 2 years of my beloved Mama’s passing
Harsh as it was, it’s a fate that needed to be redha about and accepted with open heart

Though it was 2 years already, the moment of her passing still running fresh in my mind
Sort like a nightmare, unreal but it was real

My last text with her was around a week before Raya Haji
She texted me asking when I will be home, I told her on Thursday
She told me to come home earlier, so I changed to Tuesday

Then my sister told me Mama already started using oxygen tank to breath
I was devastated but try to remain calm
That day I rushed back home, it was Sunday
Not to home, but to the hospital she was admitted

In the bus, I was shaking and confuse
Tried to sleep but just not feel right about it
My brother called asking my whereabout
She told me Mama seems like couldn’t hold it in anymore 😭
I started to cry and asked my brother to let me VC my Mama
I cried as I saw her, I told her to wait for me
She smiled and said yes, I’ll wait
Told her to stay with me, I’m closer now, then the nurse said no phone seshhhh sebokla nurse ni

As I arrived, I immediately ran towards her and cry on her laps
Everyone was there, my family, Kak Ainul and her husband (basically my access card to the ward lol), and few of my extended family

She told me she couldn’t sleep and asked me to recite Ayatul Kursi for her, I repeated until she fell asleep. Think I fell asleep beside her around 2am or something then nurse came again asking me to sleep somewhere else, ishhhh nurse ni sebok lagi (btw, I used to sleep beside her whenever I accompany her at hospital)

Then, miraculously, the next morning she was fine like fine fine, like last night was like a play
She was better, like, better better
She was happier, she ate, she showered, she prayed, like normal
So, we all thought this was a good sign for her recovery
She was fine for a week or so, we even celebrated Raya Haji at hospital
I was perfectly fine with that

Then, one night she cried and said her stomach was very hurt
I called nurse, then nurse came, then Dr came, gave her medication, but nothing works
Then Dr said she’ll be fine later
But nothing could be done
I stayed up that night coz she couldn’t stop crying

The next day Dr came to us and we had a small meeting about Mama’s conditions
Dr said Mama was really at bad state
Her organs slowly malfunctioning, the final was her kidney, if she had kidney failure, then her whole-body system will be down slowly
I hold myself from crying, as bad as it sounds, hard for us to accept, harder for Mama to bare all of the pain

And Dr said, one of us need to sign a consent letter saying that they won’t help to resuscitate my Mama for her own good, as not to prolong her pain
Even we been given heads up about this, I didn’t know if I was ready for this
This is just too much

What I thought was too much, the next day another Dr came with the consent letter and asked me to sign
FGS I hate that Dr, can still remember his face
I told him can we wait for my Papa? He said I’m eligible to sign since I’m 18 above already
Hati kering la Dr ni ish. After I signed, I cried I hate you Dr

Day by day her health deteriorating, I still feed her food (nutritious milk), meds, and slowly she couldn’t walk to toilet, and most of the time she was asleep
She was  always mad at me though hahahahah she said ridiculous things merepek2 which is normal for someone who already near his/her time sobsss
She asked too did I eat, where I slept last night, said sorry to me for burdening me

And 1 night she told me there was lots of ‘people’ came to visit her, gosh I’m scared af that was like what 10 above o’clock nobody was there except meee

She even cried for her bapak and mak sobss, they already died though huhu
I was so scared and asked my sis to accompany me the whole weekend loll penakut

Then she was asleep since 18th night, I woke her up so many damn times to feed her food and meds
Nurse said, it’s okay, don’t bother her, I know what she meant by it
She still asleep until the next day
I woke her up, but she just couldn’t open her eyes
My papa and siblings went home that evening after the visiting hour ended
I don’t want them to go coz Mama’s oxygen level was not good

So that night, I sat beside her, while updating my family on her condition
Her oxygen level slowly reduced
I called my sis to come here as fast as they could
My bro and her wife also rushed to the hospital
I know there was nothing can be done
Nurse and Dr just waited at the side
I whispered to my Mama to forgive me, she nodded, I love you, she nodded, I won’t forget and always pray for you, she nodded
I was so devastated that I cried silently

Then that beep beep sound indicating her oxygen and bp level reduced
I went to nurse to check on my Mama, she dared to asked me, “Mak awak dah takde ke?” Rasa nak hempuk je nurse ni eyy
Then all the readings reduced very fast from 40 something to zero almost immediately then tetttttt
I know she’s gone, I hugged her

Few moments later my family arrived
We waited for them to ‘prepare’ my Mama
Then papa told me “Mujur Lyana yang ada sini, kalau Papa yang ada tadi mesti da meraung”
I was mad, yes, a bit. How dare you let me witness all of these
Hurt like hell

Then we have to claim ‘her’
Papa signed the letter, but he asked me to go to claim Mama
Again, why meeeee
After all the this and that, we moved back to Kemaman around 2 am
The funeral was held that morning

Almost all extended family came, her friends, and all of people who knew her
I’m glad she left with a good legacy…means everyone saying that my Mama was a kind-hearted soul, she’ll definitely went straight to heaven
The process was very fast, done before noon, I helped with the process too
As devastated I was, I pity my baby brother more, he helped to buried my Mama on his birthday, 20th August, which is today’s date too

After her passing was another story
The time I learn ‘life has to go on’

I cried every single night before sleep
Her memory of passing playing in my mind like a 4K HD video
It hurts my soul and heart
I lose my home
Got nowhere to turn to

Everyone so helpless
We fake our smile, our happiness
We hide our tears
We pretend to move on

I saw in twitter saying that we grow through pain that ourselves become bigger that we can contain the pain
The pain never heals but we who become ‘bigger and stronger’ to overpower the pain

Papa remarried 7 months after, its good for him too since he is not quite well and need someone to take care of him
Ibu is a rainbow given to us after the storm
A kind angel sent by Allah to us

I still remember my Maklong (Papa’s older sister) told us her dream before the akad
In her dream, she met Mama and asked her if she’s okay Papa want to remarry, Mama in her dream answered that she’s very happy, at least someone could take care of him coz now she’s far away

Even after Papa’s 2nd marriage, he’s still visits Mama’s grave and plant a pink flower on her grave, sometimes everyday
Ibu also never attempted to replace Mama's place, that's what I love about her, just being her trueself :)

We were sad and still
But the gift given after her passing treat us a bit

I do miss her, badly
Pray for her daily
Just printed out lots of her pictures
Hanged some and kept the rest in the album

May Allah bless Mama’s beautiful soul 😊

Truly a fighter that I adore sooo much

I love her so so much though Allah’s love much bigger and better

Till we meet again ma 😊

Sincerely, your cute and lovely daughter, Lyana 😘

P/s: A huge thanks to all friends and family for prayers and thoughts :) May Allah bless you guys :)