Friday, August 20, 2021

19th August 2019

Today marks 2 years of my beloved Mama’s passing
Harsh as it was, it’s a fate that needed to be redha about and accepted with open heart

Though it was 2 years already, the moment of her passing still running fresh in my mind
Sort like a nightmare, unreal but it was real

My last text with her was around a week before Raya Haji
She texted me asking when I will be home, I told her on Thursday
She told me to come home earlier, so I changed to Tuesday

Then my sister told me Mama already started using oxygen tank to breath
I was devastated but try to remain calm
That day I rushed back home, it was Sunday
Not to home, but to the hospital she was admitted

In the bus, I was shaking and confuse
Tried to sleep but just not feel right about it
My brother called asking my whereabout
She told me Mama seems like couldn’t hold it in anymore 😭
I started to cry and asked my brother to let me VC my Mama
I cried as I saw her, I told her to wait for me
She smiled and said yes, I’ll wait
Told her to stay with me, I’m closer now, then the nurse said no phone seshhhh sebokla nurse ni

As I arrived, I immediately ran towards her and cry on her laps
Everyone was there, my family, Kak Ainul and her husband (basically my access card to the ward lol), and few of my extended family

She told me she couldn’t sleep and asked me to recite Ayatul Kursi for her, I repeated until she fell asleep. Think I fell asleep beside her around 2am or something then nurse came again asking me to sleep somewhere else, ishhhh nurse ni sebok lagi (btw, I used to sleep beside her whenever I accompany her at hospital)

Then, miraculously, the next morning she was fine like fine fine, like last night was like a play
She was better, like, better better
She was happier, she ate, she showered, she prayed, like normal
So, we all thought this was a good sign for her recovery
She was fine for a week or so, we even celebrated Raya Haji at hospital
I was perfectly fine with that

Then, one night she cried and said her stomach was very hurt
I called nurse, then nurse came, then Dr came, gave her medication, but nothing works
Then Dr said she’ll be fine later
But nothing could be done
I stayed up that night coz she couldn’t stop crying

The next day Dr came to us and we had a small meeting about Mama’s conditions
Dr said Mama was really at bad state
Her organs slowly malfunctioning, the final was her kidney, if she had kidney failure, then her whole-body system will be down slowly
I hold myself from crying, as bad as it sounds, hard for us to accept, harder for Mama to bare all of the pain

And Dr said, one of us need to sign a consent letter saying that they won’t help to resuscitate my Mama for her own good, as not to prolong her pain
Even we been given heads up about this, I didn’t know if I was ready for this
This is just too much

What I thought was too much, the next day another Dr came with the consent letter and asked me to sign
FGS I hate that Dr, can still remember his face
I told him can we wait for my Papa? He said I’m eligible to sign since I’m 18 above already
Hati kering la Dr ni ish. After I signed, I cried I hate you Dr

Day by day her health deteriorating, I still feed her food (nutritious milk), meds, and slowly she couldn’t walk to toilet, and most of the time she was asleep
She was  always mad at me though hahahahah she said ridiculous things merepek2 which is normal for someone who already near his/her time sobsss
She asked too did I eat, where I slept last night, said sorry to me for burdening me

And 1 night she told me there was lots of ‘people’ came to visit her, gosh I’m scared af that was like what 10 above o’clock nobody was there except meee

She even cried for her bapak and mak sobss, they already died though huhu
I was so scared and asked my sis to accompany me the whole weekend loll penakut

Then she was asleep since 18th night, I woke her up so many damn times to feed her food and meds
Nurse said, it’s okay, don’t bother her, I know what she meant by it
She still asleep until the next day
I woke her up, but she just couldn’t open her eyes
My papa and siblings went home that evening after the visiting hour ended
I don’t want them to go coz Mama’s oxygen level was not good

So that night, I sat beside her, while updating my family on her condition
Her oxygen level slowly reduced
I called my sis to come here as fast as they could
My bro and her wife also rushed to the hospital
I know there was nothing can be done
Nurse and Dr just waited at the side
I whispered to my Mama to forgive me, she nodded, I love you, she nodded, I won’t forget and always pray for you, she nodded
I was so devastated that I cried silently

Then that beep beep sound indicating her oxygen and bp level reduced
I went to nurse to check on my Mama, she dared to asked me, “Mak awak dah takde ke?Rasa nak hempuk je nurse ni eyy
Then all the readings reduced very fast from 40 something to zero almost immediately then tetttttt
I know she’s gone, I hugged her

Few moments later my family arrived
We waited for them to ‘prepare’ my Mama
Then papa told me “Mujur Lyana yang ada sini, kalau Papa yang ada tadi mesti da meraung
I was mad, yes, a bit. How dare you let me witness all of these
Hurt like hell

Then we have to claim ‘her’
Papa signed the letter, but he asked me to go to claim Mama
Again, why meeeee
After all the this and that, we moved back to Kemaman around 2 am
The funeral was held that morning

Almost all extended family came, her friends, and all of people who knew her
I’m glad she left with a good legacy…means everyone saying that my Mama was a kind-hearted soul, she’ll definitely went straight to heaven
The process was very fast, done before noon, I helped with the process too
As devastated I was, I pity my baby brother more, he helped to buried my Mama on his birthday, 20th August, which is today’s date too

After her passing was another story
The time I learn ‘life has to go on’

I cried every single night before sleep
Her memory of passing playing in my mind like a 4K HD video
It hurts my soul and heart
I lose my home
Got nowhere to turn to

Everyone so helpless
We fake our smile, our happiness
We hide our tears
We pretend to move on

I saw in twitter saying that we grow through pain that ourselves become bigger that we can contain the pain
The pain never heals but we who become ‘bigger and stronger’ to overpower the pain

Papa remarried 7 months after, its good for him too since he is not quite well and need someone to take care of him
Ibu is a rainbow given to us after the storm
A kind angel sent by Allah to us

I still remember my Maklong (Papa’s older sister) told us her dream before the akad
In her dream, she met Mama and asked her if she’s okay Papa want to remarry, Mama in her dream answered that she’s very happy, at least someone could take care of him coz now she’s far away

Even after Papa’s 2nd marriage, he’s still visits Mama’s grave and plant a pink flower on her grave, sometimes everyday
Ibu also never attempted to replace Mama's place, that's what I love about her, just being her trueself :)

We were sad and still
But the gift given after her passing treat us a bit

I do miss her, badly
Pray for her daily
Just printed out lots of her pictures
Hanged some and kept the rest in the album

May Allah bless Mama’s beautiful soul 😊

Truly a fighter that I adore sooo much

I love her so so much though Allah’s love much bigger and better

Till we meet again ma 😊

Sincerely, your cute and lovely daughter, Lyana 😘

P/s: A huge thanks to all friends and family for prayers and thoughts :) May Allah bless you guys :)

Thursday, August 19, 2021


This is really immature hahahahah

I first created this blog when I was 17? or 18? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Funny when I first wanted it to be very girlish, pinkish, flowery and all those girly stuff plus with the 'sekolah agama' vibe. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Gosh

Guess age do change people

Its yes indeed embarrassing when friends asked "You have blog?"

Ughh, I better lie

I did spent lots of time editing HTML or whatever it is...hours~

Now its all dusty

I even forgot the password lol

And even forgot I changed the password 9 months ago lol

I edited out lots of stuff especially my Mama's old picture before she was wearing purdah

Sobsss I should have done that earlier :(

And I changed my Blog Title name because previously was...cheesy and cringe...πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I'm such a joke. Thought want to keep it just because of the memory of first creating the blog XD

Hmm I think I should change my profile picture too muehehe 

Sunflower🌻 just because its a happy flower and it gave me hope. Because that is all I need now :)

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Mini Giveaway Acrylic Painting by Ema

Its been long since last I logged in and did a bit of curhat here.

But today is special πŸ˜‰

Here is the first giveaway from my bestie ;)

Do join this giveaway and follow her blog
She's an amazing person πŸ’œ

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Life and Passion

I think both should go concurrently.

No between those two should be left out!

You live your life passionately.
Be proud of it!
Live it to the fullest!

It gives you shit?
Don't return it back.
Learn from it!
Mistakes make you grow!

You can do it!

Hai Lyana :)
You know you are better now right.

You're indeed better dear.

Getting. Better.

Smile in the process.

It's okay to feel sad
Don't worry.

But don't let it eat you down.

I'm here~

Tuesday, December 19, 2017



I woke up at 2 am in the morning. Suddenly.
Had nightmare.
It has been long since last I got nightmare.
Not the type being chased by a murderer, a serial killer or a ghost, but rather running away from problem!

This, has been the nightmare.

I woke up with heavy heart and headache.
Has I been running away from my problem?

There was a whale in that river, weird as it is ain't it?
The mission is to return the whale into the sea, but hell no, he's big! How to?
Then there were 2-3 old man who forced me to return the whale.
Out of being scared, I tried once, but somehow the whale slipped off of my hand and there it was still swimming in that goddamn lake urggghhh

Guess what I did? I tried to run away.
I can't hold it anymore!
I can't move the whale.
And I'm afraid of that old guys.

I ran and hid under the table or something. Those old guys were after me with furious face.
Then something came up in my mind that time:
"For how long Lyana, you're gonna hiding under there. Wouldn't it be good if you move the whale and get yourself away from those old guys after you done your mission pridefully?"

I was dumbfounded by own thought!

Then like I was having second chance, I climbed out of anywhere I was hiding that time, and like time turning back to the point where I was about to run, and one of the old guys pulled my hand and I was dragged into the river back and there it was: That goddamn whale still swimming like nobody business...urghhhh!
And that in my thought, by hook or by crook I'm gonna move you to the sea even it sound impossible and get myself away from this scary old guys!

Then, I woke up.
My body ached. 

Took me a lil bit sometime to fall asleep back.
Then, I had this thought to myself that, 
Lyana, see how Allah wanna show you that you can't run away from your problem. Face it even it's hard. He knows you're gonna succeed, and walk away from it pridefully. I settled my problem! I survived! That kind of satisfaction feeling.
And......I don't know what that old guys are in my reality, perhaps emmm...ppl around me? Don't know.

Then, I tried to ponder a bit, what kind of my problem that I face and trying to run away,,,
Perhaps I have it perhaps I forgot already haha

And that evening, received a text from Salma
With a screenshot
Kim Jonghyun was found dead

Shocked with the news

What most heartbroken was:
He died of suicide out of depression

My hear ached.
Feel like wanna cry coz it squeezed my heart hard to heard someone died of suicide out of depression.
I was like, I wish I was there to stop him.
I wish he found someone that can stop him.
I wish.
But God wished differently.

And suddenly I remembered my dream that night.
The uneasy feeling turned out to be this news.

I told Aimi about this news
She also as break as me
Due to the reason of his death
Even though we're not Shawols, the feeling also hard and stuck

We talked a lot on this previously
Since Chester death
It was sad

"Suicide didn't end the pain, rather it just transferring the pain to the person who lives after"
- Anonymous

She told me that depression chose ppl
Don't let it swallow you
Don't let it conquer you

Talk out to someone
We do have ppl who loves us and ppl that always wish us always be happy and healthy.

"I just want someone to say that I did worked hard"

You've worked hard
What a pleasant and warm wish.
Filling in heart and lifting tiring day

So I learned that, appreciate ppl around you
Don't pressure or downgraded them
Say it's okay for everything they've done
If not good enough, say "You've done well" and some improvement advice
If they did good, say "Wow, you did great. Keep it up." with sincere smile.

This little things, if you put on practice on me, I'm gonna love you really hard coz I really need this in my life hahah!

Spread Love.
Everyone need this.
Littlest act that filling someone else's heart.

And do remember, Allah won't burden you to the things that unbearable by you. 
Allah loves us. 
When He tested us, coz He misses us, He wanna gives you Pahala, wanna see you at night crying and telling Him how was your day went, out of love.
It does hurt. Won't lie to you.
But, after it passed, feeling like on the Cloud Nine!

Reach out to ppl, don't succumb into it.
Don't distant yourself coz it will swallow you.
Don't blame yourself coz you're gonna let it win.

Please fight!
I wish I could be there.
Rest, take a break for a while coz you need it.
Be sad coz it is nature.
Then, rise yourself back.
There won't be rainbow without rain unless you created it lol.

And remember, This too shall pass.
Shall pass.
Daijobou :')

Love you awesome people.
Keep fighting!
Wish me all the best too :')

P/s: Also totally dumbfounded when heard the news on a student killed him/herself (don't remember the gender) after scolded by his/her father for not getting all A's
And to put more fire: he/she got 8A's and 1B!!!!!


It turned out, it is not as easy as this
It is a mental illness
They seek for medication and expert
It's an illness
It could be hidden
Hidden behind those beautiful smile and laughter

Seriously, I don't know how to reach to you

If you're depressed, go seek for help
Please do have second thought to not doing something that detrimental
You're precious
This...This too shall pass
I'm sorry
I really don't know how to help

Don't wanna make this worse
I could be a place for you to pour everything in
I'll try
I wish I could be of any help

Coz you're precious
You do matter
You're not wrong
That's nobody's fault

Loose yourself a bit
Free yourself
Go see nature
Scream to the sea
To the mountain
Let your voice echo

I'm sorry
I wish I could be of any help.
I wish I could be.

I'll try.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Mr Right??


Okay, here it goes.
Not a dedication.
Nor an appreciation.
Let say, way to say goodbye? muehehehe

This whole post is especially for you
My ex-crush *koff koff

Actually I once decided to confess muahahahahahahaahah
So crayzehhhhhhhhhh
Yeah, decided to
But didn't happened coz I waited too long and that feeling stuff somehow faded *leulzz
This whole damn confession thingy got my nerve like urgghhhh

To intro,
I'm a type of person that perhaps I don't know what I should call myself but I always want to find the reason why behind everything I do
Like this whole thingy having crush was also the same
I asked myself why should I have crush on you
If it groundless and baseless so babai la
But, yeah it didn't work the same for you
So, that's mean that perhaps you have that something I found quite reliable for me to hold on to that 
Get me? ufufufu

Never have I ever dream of having crush on you
For the better me, I always avoided myself from this ****
Coz it disturbing!
And a big problem for me!

So, who is this guy?
Simply put, he has those parts of my list-of-the-things-I-want-my-future-husband-to-have lollllllll
With all those things I listed as a qualification muahahah, he fitted few but still hoho
However, he didn't fitted my most important qualification muahahahah
(Skehati je ihikihik)
Perhaps that's the reason why I've to let this go~

This is so childish hahahah!!!
I laughed at myself so much
The anticipated feeling of wanted to see you everyday, perhaps passing by you, wanted to be notified by you, wanted to have even short conversation with you, wanted to (yucks) have even a split second eye contact with you, or even 'liked' (tweet) by you 

Yeah, this was me back then.
Laugh as you want.
But I know you guys the same too when you have crush (es) perhaps

He is a bright guy, active, so down to earth but somehow he always get acknowledge without he realizing it.
Don't know much about him.

I reached the end of this post.

Special dedication for my bestie for listening me out whenever I talked about him to you.
Even supported me when I decided to confess haha lol.
And pray for me to let go of this thingy :)


Dear My ex-crush,
It's a good thing to know you.
It's a good thing to be inspired by you.
Hope you have brighter future ahead, excel in everything you do, get rich haha, get married to a very decent lady, save the earth and all the good wishes that human races ever wish.

Thanks for all those beautiful memories.

P/s: Decided to share here anyway ufufufu

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Appreciation Post~~


Alhamdulillah sis dah selesai konvo like 6 days ago haha
Lepas habis konvo letihnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu
Buat apa je sampai letih camtu haha
Lenguh satu badan
Esoknya tu pon layuuuu je
Lusanya pon
Masak pon malas haha
Selain daripada kena siapkan proposal *koff koff*

Appreciation post
Takdela gaduh sangat nak buat sebab tengok orang lain buat
Tapi memang penghargaan tu kepada Allah dan kepada mereka mereka yang tidak terhingga
Mana ada kejayaan yang dicapai tu dengan usaha sendiri semata
No no
Paling tidak pasti berkat doa ibu bapa
Hey kita kan hamba, pertolongan dari Allah jangan lupa ya haa
Dah berjaya takabbur ni mintak jauh fuhh fuhh

So, firstly nak bomb dengan gambar can ah ufufufu

My family. Missing in the picture, Tsaqif, Husna and baby ohohoho

Hey, without these amazing human being, I wont't be able to graduate huhu.
Received lots lots tonnes of support from these lovelies. 
Still remember the day I decided to further in Biotechnology (mianhae Papa huhu)
The day they sent me to IIUM Kuantan
The day I talked and babbling on how hard this course was (lol haha)
The day I asked them to pray for me for every single examination and viva
The day I wasn't always at home because of the workloads and yet you guys come to see me sobs
The day I told Mama about my dreams after graduation
Yes, all those days
In kokoro :')

Here, I would like to say to my dearest baby brother, hey one day your day will come okay.
The day you're gonna hold your scroll like you did for mine.
I still remember you wanna hold it and was like "I wanna hold this"
Okay, hold it!
Let it be your spirit-burning to study well and excel!
I know you could!

Made with love from Mama, Papa and Kakak

Kisahnya, aku tak malu pegi update status WS nak bunga matahari dan coklat hahahahah
And alhamdulillah dapat biarla cair pon coklat tu haha 
Memula mama and kakak da beli, lepas tu papa tambah lagi haha
Kata Liza, korang ada same vibe la huhuu
Terharu teroksss T_T

My Parents. My Life. My heartbeats. 

Sebab rasa gambar dengan Kakak lawa XD

Kakak pon selalu jadi mangsa tempat aku membebel hoho
Ingat lagi waktu aku kata tak sedia nak balik asrama utk hadap 4th year, padahal da sampai Kuantan waktu tu
Kakak belanja Secret Recipe ohoho
Lepas tu baru cam ala ala lega sket
Sebab rasa dia salur kekuatan dia melalui tu ufufufu
Tenkiu Kakak :')

Punya la gigih nak amek gambar studio, and sebab Papa Mama da taklarat nak balik awal, punya rush habis je majlis lari pegi tempat yg kakak cakap.
First customer yo! hohohoh

Alhamdulillah even tak full house. 
 Hari tu touching cakap kat Kakak, Ingatkan aku jadi anak tunggal da nanti konvo korang adik beradik takleh mai hahah...tengok2 ada la kakak and adik mai mihmihmih

Over betul sis badan senget camni. Orang tu suruh kayy. Rasa hmmm pulak

Cinta hati yang lain pon datang memeriahkan lagi 

With Azye - budak yg selalu happy Like I don't Give a Damn hahhaha

Roomate waktu CFS dongsaeng yg supportive and cool

With Syifa' Hatta



Buat surprise ramai ramai hoho...tu teddy bear (named as Bobo sempena orang tu muahahaha) and sunflowers!!! (Tapi sayang da layu sobsss,,,tengah keringkan nanti buat penanda buku mihmih)

With Bobo - sweet baby muehehe
And this! My maked-up version of face thanks to Ina Ramli who did an amazing job.  
She did 'em like 5-10 minutes tops!
While I'm wearing my robe in hurry cause I'm already tooooo late hahahahah
Pulak tu, sesat taktahu entrance
Mintak tolong Ina hantarkan
Dengan mortar board ada pada Liza. Gelabah biawak jugak la
Dengan taktahu muka keadaannya macam mana

Waktu beratur nak amek scroll tu, ada cermin besar sebelum masuk utk last touch up
I nearly shouted sebab takkenal rupa sendiri haha
Padahal Ina buat simple je
Tapi sebab takpernah nampak rupa make-up diri sendiri macam mana hoho
Thanks INA!!!
You just saved my pics on my convo day hoho

Ni haa baru prasan takde gambar dengan Ina. Musykil ni takde. Rasa ada amek gambar dengan dia huhu,,
Sedih gambar tukang make-up takde hukhuk

Sol and Bai - parts of SAMIDU

Kakak kata Jom bergambar dengan ex-Al Amin Kemaman hoho

Mommy Afif hoho,,tengss for the flowers Afif (muka before mekap lol hahah)

And gambar dengan soulmates takde sedihhhh huaaaaa
Ada dengan Salma je.

Terharu Salma gigih cari huaaaaa. Tenkiu. Ni laa antara yg dapat Rector's list ufufuf, congrats dear. And yg banyak layan aku punya perangai buruk. Rasa dia lagi kakak dari aku hahah

Inani and Sarah

Liza and Salma

Nad, Inani, Salma and their roomates 6 months preggy Hasanah heheh
Alhamdulillah ada seketul dengan Haza hoho

And these awesome fellas of 131iotechies

Macam sama je kan semua hahaha tak tak tengok face expression lelain tu ohohoho
The very last I guess uhuk sobss

Hey amazing fellas, Thank you for brighten my life up
This, this is all memories to be kept deep inside heart
Thanks for being part of my life and let me be in yours too :')

So, that's a wrap.
Alhamdulillah, thumma alhamdulillah
Kepada Allah semua kebahagiaan ini
Moga Allah berkati anugerah ini
Moga Allah beri kekuatan untuk teruskan Master (inshaAllah)~

My dreams?
I've lots.
This is just a beginning. :)

P/s: Ohh and I would like to make a dedication for my ex-crush? hahahah...but hmm lemme think back if I should muahahahah